Wine Country And My Vulnerability Card

After a long day and only three hours of sleep I decided to kick back, pop some new latte Oreo thins and watch Wine Country. It has me giggling and clutching my heart. And then there’s Brené Courage Brown on mah screen. 😭 

So, it’s been awhile since I wrote a post. I’m sorry it’s been a long time, I’ve been enjoying some great vibes as of late. Miracles left and right. In honor of Wine Country feels, courage, and commitment to my colorful community, here’s where I’ve been, where I’m at, and where I’d hope to be.

In case you missed it …

My life in the past four months has flipped inside out. I’ve prayed and meditated. Hell, I’ve binged my YouTube subscriptions. Through the thick, ugly, blood boiling moments leading up to oh March I’d say. Seriously. I went from homeless to safety fairly quickly because emergencies matter and I’m grateful for true friends in my life.

I don’t pretend like I’m some six figure influencer or a beachside Queen sticking my toes in the sand. It was this time last year I chose to do the unthinkable. Move to Florida. More sunshine. People praise the seashore so it should be amazing right? Nada. I didn’t get this long drawn out self awakening when I was at the beach. I felt terrified. Even more so when where I was staying didn’t want me there anymore. There wasn’t really any amount of sage or cutesy affirmation to make me not feel rejected. 

I was standing in the parking lot of a WaWa. Livid. And under the blanket of rage I felt toward my situation of being kicked out once again – I was heart broken. I called my mom and screamed. I asked her why me. Why is this happening. I can’t ever move in with her because my stepfather is homophobic and a racist. And just terribly ignorant. I told my mom flat out. He doesn’t love me. And all she could say was I’m sorry. It sucks. I know. 

You know what’s shitty. 

I launched my second color oracle deck that Monday. And on Friday, fate was like let’s play. And I know this deep down inside my bones. I knew even in that parking lot with lizards at my feet that everything is figureoutable. But it was a medicine I had to close my eyes for and swallow. 

Its during my YouTube bingefest where I watched Marie Forleo give sharp business and life advice. When she spoke on stage in front of Oprah Winfrey and other high-vibrating souls, she mentions everything is figureoutable. I trust Marie Forleo so much. I trust her words. Her jersey side. Her advice is a golden harp playing deep inside my brain. Her words cheered me on as I walked back into that room and had to hold the space for a real open brave conversation about timelines concerning my departure. No, I wasnt given much help afterwards. I think the event stung deeply that all I was given was space. Room to be by myself and figure it out. I’m thankful I was able to stay til the end of the year last year. But hot damn. I never ever want anyone have to reach a point in their life where they doubt if they belong, or are worthy of love.

I went to Florida knowing it was going to test my faith and commitment to my spiritual practice. I underestimated how impactful the environment would be on my psyche. It’s so flat there. And not me at all. I’m a rougher, mountainous creature, with a hunger for deep caverns and texture. Florida is nice to visit, but not home and I had to realize that for myself. Also it’s okay if you’re like me and kinda don’t get the big hype about the beach. It’s pretty during a full moon, but that’s about it.

Here I am now…

So here I am. Pining all day to write something – meaningful and purposeful. Give back and then Brené in this movie mentions boundaries. Give with boundaries.

Here’s the thing, we can’t be generous towards other people without boundaries so… boundaries.

Brené Brown in Wine Country

And you know what. That’s exactly what I learned and continue to strengthen. 

  • I’m very happy to say. I’m safe. I’m living with two amazing guys. They’re married. In love with orchids, horror films from the 70s and made space in their home to hold me as I shake the sand from my shoes and feel my magic once again. 
  • I’m grateful to be working in Corporate America in the banking industry supporting the treasury management team in commercial cards for businesses of all shapes and sizes. 
  • I’m extra proud of myself for diligently for the last 6 weeks give without shame or guilt $444 to pay on my credit card that covered my rent and beans I lived on for awhile. 
  • I’m grateful that through allll of this, I kept my essential oil team thriving. And managed to sell $1000 worth of color decks this year in 6 months. 

Where I want to be, you’re invited…

Whenever we move, change jobs, have a baby, or want something more out of our life, we gotta get into visual mind mapping mode. This is the space where we give ourselves the permission to dream. It’s 6 months into the year, I’d love to make the most of it. I’ve learned so much, accepted so much, and want to give so much.

What I would love to see in the next few months or by next yearish happen:

  • A new color deck because intuition is cute in new clothes
  • A book published traditionally because I love people holding their magic
  • My work contract renewed because I love my coworkers
  • Llama because I love feeling gushy
  • Hugging people I’ve only known online because I value friendship deeply

I try my hardest to put into practice what I learn and then improve on top of it. And live my life based on four core desires: love, light, color, and home. Because it’s these I always felt I never had but life is teaching me that I have access to them on the daily. 

I don’t think struggles are comparable. I don’t believe pain is equal in the sense of circumstances. But I do with my chest wide open know for certain that we are greater than our parts. Often we must trust ourselves and set boundaries so that we may give with focus and integrity. Thanks for being here. I’ve been itching to write, press into the miracle that’s happening and share my virtual thin Oreo with you.

Now tell me, is there anything you’re wishing for yourself, your family or your larger community, let me know in the comments or send an email, I’d love to hear about your dreams.

Spirituality

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