I’m homeless.

By the time you read this, I’m checking myself into the homeless circuit.

2018 has been excruciatingly painful. And just 4-days after I launched Change Your Mood Oracle and on the same day as a Mercury Retrograde no less, I got informed that I no longer can live where I’ve been staying.

And 2019 will be 10 years since graduating high school, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing.

I apply.

And apply.

And many applications later, I get told “best of luck, Bernard, but we’re going forward with another candidate.” And wouldn’t you believe it, ADP just called me to vocally tell me that they’re picking another person over me and I should apply again. *Takes another sip of Angry Orchard.* I don’t need to know who rejects me. It’s like Tinder. If someone swipes left you never know and I like it that way.

But of course, people in privilege say homelessness and poverty is a choice a person makes. Hell, even the spiritual community scoffs off that every adversity, pain, and suffering serves a purpose because you choose your challenges before birth. Really? You don’t choose to be poor. You don’t work hard to stay small. You are forced into it by your family, school, town, and government.

The mere concept of money is made up. Symbolically representing value. If we valued human lives like so many corporations market in board meetings, we would be in a very different space. We all would be living on Compassion Drive. I see people beyond their titles and don’t stick around for fake ass platitudes. See current White House administration for examples.

Guess what. I read this on a homeless shelter website, hit my heart hard. Let’s call him for privacy – Tim. Tim traveled out-of-state for a job and later found out the unprospective employer decided to choose someone else. That night, Tim slept behind a Walmart dumpster in the rain.

I feel the same level of fear, anger, and confusion as Tim. It repulses me deeply to have to even share this with you. I don’t want to. I never wanted to be homeless because when I was younger my mother and her then boyfriend who was a cop thought it was a good idea to take me out at night to teach me a lesson. They believed I was ungrateful. Ungrateful because I refused to suck the cock of corruption. Instead of teaching me gratitude through acts of service and love, these abusive individuals took me on a homeless person witch hunt.

We road the back alleys looking for homeless people. Walked into abandoned buildings, avoiding rusty needles and trash. I remember the cop telling me that I needed to be more grateful or one night I’ll be kidnapped and dropped off in the middle of nowhere and have to find my way home again. This act of violence was applauded among the adults.

Who am I to fight this abuse? I just internalized the demons and now look where I’m headed.

Homelessness.

Right into the lion’s den that I was running away from all these years.

Oh well.

I applied to jobs. Nothing.

I had food stamps but that got cut from $193 to $43 because the privileged rich people making over a certain amount complained about Obama-care and having to pay way more money than they want. So I let that go.

I didn’t attempt unemployment because I don’t believe in getting half of what you were making which would be $6 an hour times 25 serves absolutely no purpose. Besides more paperwork to prove you’re still jobless. Even then people still get around the system. Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean the debt and bills reduce so I don’t understand the fucking logic other than – privilege trumps poverty.

And I asked before moving if my stay would be burdensome. And still, I get fucked not once, but twice.

I’m homeless and hopeless.

But again, this is my fault and my choice.

Fuck off with your privilege and learn a thing or two about compassion.

Unfortunately compassion isn’t in the constitution. It’s the pursuit of happiness, not actual happiness that’s permissible through policy. Basically. You can try, but doesn’t mean you’ll have, hold or even triumph.

Spirituality

5 thoughts on “I’m homeless.

  1. Where are you? Are you safe?

  2. Bernard,
    I am sorry to hear about what is happening. You are not the first person to say 2018 has been difficult. It’s been my most challenging and struggling. I have been therapy and discovered I have a few mental health issues, I took my 17, then 16, year old sister in after our mother abandonded her, and because of the previous resaons my husband and I almost divorced. 2018 has been a shitshow, but because of it I have learned so much.
    I want you to know, I feel for you. I have been distraught in worry for you since I read your post. I wish there was something I could do to help. You are such a bright person with a kind soul. This will make you stronger!
    If you ever wander over to Utah, specifically Central Utah, I’ll make sure you have good conversation and warm meal. Also, if it’s any consolation, my place of employment is always in need of subs.
    I know it’s not much, but I can be an ear to listen.
    Things will eventually be ok.
    Light and Love,
    Amanda

  3. Sending light and love… sorry to hear of your troubles… I have been there… just keep fighting!!!

  4. I didn’t attend my 10 year reunion out of fears of well still not being where I want to be financially although ironically I’m working at my dream job. & also not having had found true love at the time. But Bernard atleast you can say you tried on your dream. A lot of people can not say that. I know it’s shitty but pain is apart of life for everyone even the rich. I appreciate you sharing your story and being transparent. I hope it gets better for you financially and I too hope the same for myself. <3

  5. Sending love Bernard. I agree it’s not a choice and that our system is corrupt and malignant. I do believe in the power of prayer, Love and visualization too— sending you all the good juju I can muster and will see if there is more to do in the physical realm when you get to the next place through this dark night as you absolutely will.

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