I’m stuck and broke in a marriage. I don’t have a real job and my husband always bullys me about money or my dreams of having a successful online business. I think I’m too stupid for success. And too old for YouTube. Got advice?

– Not Happy

Dear Not Happy,

Domestic violence and bullying don’t need fists and broken glass to make it real. There are more subtle and condescending ways people hurt each other through mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. It’s how privilege people remain on top of the heap by belittling and oppressing others. It’s why J.K. Rowling is in hot water because she doesn’t see the same pain nor validate that gender is a heteronormative societal construct at this point in our human evolution. There are specific people that bully others in open spaces. But they go unchecked and unnoticed because this is a form of gaslighting to make you feel alone, afraid, and average. They call you out in one comment and make you feel stupid. You don’t choose stupidity by default, you’re trained to think and act that way. Bullies love tricking you into sacrificing your pride and confidence by making you believe you’re not good enough because they want to only see you as a version of yourself that makes them feel comfortable according to their rules, logic, and emotional availability. It’s exhausting, I’ve been there. Hell, the current political parties are bullying each other and getting no where because they aren’t choosing to rise beyond the ego. And like watching bitter parents in a divorce fighting over dumb shit, we don’t get a stimulus check that we need to keep the debt dementors away, cover medical costs, make sure rent is paid, or put food on our tables.

Anyway. Guess what happens when you step beyond a bully’s comfort zone by prioritizing your desires, needs, and wants. When you evolve and grow into your light, you become stronger. Your free will builds. Your limitations burn. You spend more money even if you’re not suppose to. You engage more with a quick reply to a snide remark instead of letting it slide off your back and smiling. Your heart muscle is there – so use it. The one thing bullies and the nasty privilege lot doesn’t want you or others to fully notice about them is their own weaknesses and insecurities. They’ve built and curated a specific way of handling folks in their life that serves them because they lacked various needs along the way. So they had to demean others, puff up their self-projections and play it safe in navigating society. They’ve learned to conflate love and respect in a dog eat dog world. Somehow you’re just suppose to take the heat and pressure and not question them because in their eyes they did something to save you from your own stupidity. Which at this point, we know that you’re not stupid, but they see you as stupid. So how do you overcome that?

Projections are messy. Change will never happen if we keep justifying the out dated systems of oppression. Meaning you have to reinvent the way you see yourself and only choose things, people, and places that resonate with this new reinvigorated sense of self. Trans people should stop reading J.K. Rowling’s work because that “art” is an economic incentive and people are entitled to choice. One chooses to reinforce a bully’s ego or not. You can and are entitled to make your own money and so I encourage you and everyone to form an LLC to cover your business ventures. Choose to throw out brands and ideas that don’t expand your true nature. In doing all of this is it going to be pain-free? Some aspects will feel smooth and others will bruise. This is life so sometimes you have to let wood be wood and accept that certain people will never change as they are completely comfortable in their own misery. But you have free will. You get to build what you want to build and burn what you really want to burn.

You don’t need a knight in shining armor, if you’re the one polishing.

You don’t owe others for what role they played in your journey either. There’s this huge myth that we are forever in people’s debts because they seemingly are the only ones to be there when we didn’t see our own worth. This is why we stay stuck in bad crowds and marry assholes. It’s not that we are inherently bad or bitchy, it’s that in those moments we needed a little extra brawn from the bullies and energy vampires. But eventually the debt is overpaid and they expect you to hang around them as you chisel and polish their pedestal. You built a world around your husband as most learn to do to survive. However, what justice does it serve if you stay shackled to a man that doesn’t love you. Having someone that pisses in your cheerios or judges you for not having a real job is a projection of scarcity. You’ll never feel successful or smart if you continue to believe you’re alone, afraid, and average. Cause this means you believe you have no instinctual significance. You’re confused about your place on this planet.

And let me be the one to tell you. You fucking matter here. So keep posting your creative projects, doing your passions, and living your truth. Because absolutely no author, politician, or husband is going to suck the last bit of hope we got because we are light bitches.

Expecto muthafucka patronum.

HelloRainbow is an advice column about color, spirituality, magic, and how to be a compassionate intuitive in a non-believing world. Got a question for us fill out the form

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1 Comment

  1. Great post! Love the last line… “Expecto muthafucka patronum.” I think even in “happy” marriages, we fall into patterns where, at times, we feel inferior and resentful. I appreciate your pep talk!


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